It Should Have Been Me
by Ambrel
Summary: His hand gripped the doorframe with white knuckles and his head was cocked slightly to the side, as though he was sampling the familiar scents of oil and exhaust that wafted in on the breeze.
1. It Should Have Been Me

**It Should Have Been Me**

He couldn't hear the words. It all swam together in his head.

He didn't really want to hear it, anyway.

What point was there in it now? What good did it do him, today? Tomorrow? And every single day of his life from then on? What good?

Nothing they said could help. Deep within himself, he knew this. There was no fixing this, now. There was no way to make it all better. To make the pain go away.

The rise and fall of the calm, passive voice hummed in the background of his thoughts. His eyes were closed as though he was trying to shut the world out, but in reality, it didn't matter. What good was it for a blind man to avert his eyes?

None, really.

A hand rested lightly on his sleeve, but he made no motion of even noticing. After a moment, it shook his arm.

"Hey, Finn…"

"Leave me alone, Aerrow."

"Finn-"

"I said-" He started, but shut his mouth with a click as he realized that the lilting voice in the background had stopped. He felt firm pressure as Aerrow grasped his elbow and tugged gently, pulling him out of his seat. On his other side, Piper grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze in encouragement. "Its…its time, now…isn't it?"

"Yeah…" Aerrow murmured. Then he paused for a moment, but when he spoke his voice was shaky. "Can you…can you…uh…you going to make it?"

Fin swallowed. "I need help…" he whispered. He hung his head.

Aerrow held his arm and guided him, walking slowly to make sure Finn wouldn't fall. It was only a short walk, but each step made his heart sink further and further into his chest.

Soon enough, and far too quickly, he was there. Aerrow and Piper let go of him, and he heard them step back.

An illusion of privacy.

He reached out one hand, dreading the feeling of cold, lacquered wood. It would be black, he knew, and it would be larger than usual. It was a box, closed tight and sealed. It rested on a scaffold, specially made so that when everyone had left, it could be easily lowered into the earth.

He rested his hand against the slightly curved lid, gritting his teeth together as he felt the warmth of gathering tears flush past his sightless eyes.

It wasn't fair.

_You idiot. You damned idiot. It's your fault. Why did you do it?_

He swallowed hard. "Why?"

He just stood there. The rest of the attendees were either silent, or gone. But he had no wish to leave. Since he'd awoken that awful morning with his sight stripped from him, he had been dreading this day.

_If you hadn't played hero, it would be different now. Better. You damned…idiot._

_It should have been me in there. Not you._

_Oh, God, Junko. It should have been me._

OOO

Total word count: 480

Ooooooh, the inspiration has struck me again! This time, it's Finn's turn to take a journey of self discovery/Ambrel-inflicted torture.

I actually have some direction in mind for this one, and I've decided that I can't live life without a depressing and angsty fic to inflict upon the masses.

Oh, some credit for the inspiration for this goes to KeeperOfTomes. Seriously, she's the first person I ever read who made a Storm Hawk go blind and I hope I can mirror her success with writing something that tricky.


	2. It Didn't Seem Right

**It Didn't Seem Right**

He didn't know how long he'd been there, kneeling in the wet grass. Long enough to feel the warmth of the sun begin to burn his neck. Long enough to feel the ache in his knees that came from being in a crouched position for so long.

The smooth surface beneath his arms was no longer cool. It was warmed with the onset of the mid morning sun. Sweat rolled from his hair, falling unseen and unnoticed onto the wood.

He didn't want to believe that his best friend was in that box. It wasn't where he was supposed to be.

He wasn't supposed to be dead.

It shouldn't have happened that way.

And everyone knew it, too. They all saw it happen. That one instant where Finn had lost his focus.

"I never killed anyone before." He whispered in a broken voice.

A hand touched his back lightly. He ignored it…Let his forehead continue to rest on the casket.

"Finn…" Piper murmured. He didn't respond, except to toss his shoulder in an attempt to shrug her off. She sighed, but held her own council.

The tears had stopped, but he didn't want to leave. It felt like some sort of betrayal. He'd go home, to his room in the Condor, but Junko would stay here. Pitched into some hole in the ground. Covered with dirt.

Marked with a stone that looked like every other stone that graced this graveyard. And one that he'd never be able to see.

Was that any way to treat a friend? To just leave him there…to be forgotten?

It couldn't all end with a hole, some dirt, and a polished rock.

It didn't seem right.

Inevitably, the gentle insistence of Piper's hand managed to coax him to his feet. His legs tingled with a sudden rush of sensation as the blood flooded back into his limbs. It hurt.

Piper and Aerrow led him back to the ship.

He moved mechanically, stumbling over the slightest unevenness in his path despite the efforts of his guides.

What purpose was there in even going back to the Condor? He couldn't do anything useful anymore…he couldn't even see. What kind of sharpshooter couldn't see?

Hell, he couldn't even keep his best friend from dying. The memories…they were too painful.

It all changed in one instant. One single moment, when his entire world had gone upside down, tossed about like the beads in a kaleidoscope, but in his case, the result was not a pretty mosaic.

It was a horror, guilt so powerful that it sucked him in completely.

The others told him over and over that it wasn't his fault, but he knew better.

So…he didn't even know if he should even try to go on.

It didn't seem worth it.

OOO

Word Count: 463

I tried to make this one last to 500 words, but for some reason it didn't do well to be stretched out another 37 words. I like how it turned out though.

Don't worry, I wont keep harping on the same sort of angstiness. New angst is coming down the pipes. And since this is in third person omniscient, I wont be staying completely with Finn's perspective the whole time, I think.

Review!


	3. I Have An Idea

**I Have An Idea**

"He hasn't moved in hours," Piper whispered as she leaned to Aerrow's ear. "I don't think he's even eaten in the last three days. I'm worried."

Aerrow sighed and brushed his hand through his hair. "I know," he murmured back. "But…what can we do?"

It had been a few weeks since the day in the wet grass and sunshine. The burns on Finn's face had lost their ugly red and black coloring. Now it was simply a tracery of ridged skin, starting at the base of his jaw and carving a path upwards past his cheekbones before arching across his eyes and forehead. He'd taken to wearing a soft white scarf over the top half of his face once he was able to tolerate the touch of anything on his sensitive skin.

The long ends of the scarf trailed down his back like a banner of defeat.

Piper shook her head. "I don't know…"

Stork's voice made them both jump. He'd popped in between their heads, his hands resting skittishly on their shoulders. "Maybe he has the highly contagious Aquanosian Spreading Blindness. Its catching, you know."

Piper swatted his hand away. "Not helping, Stork."

"Don't say I didn't warn you…"

Aerrow was still watching his unfortunate friend. It was heartbreaking. They were all hurting from losing Junko, but he knew that Finn had been closer to him than most. It would be like losing Radarr. Or how Stork would feel without the Condor. Or how Piper might be without her crystals.

As he was pondering, he barely noticed Radarr approach Finn, cooing gently in worry. He pawed at Finn's hand. He dodged the halfhearted swat and grasped his hand even more firmly, trilling a bit louder.

"Leave me alone, Radarr." Finn muttered.

The small furry animal refused to be dissuaded. He yanked, throwing all of his weight against Finn's arm, throwing him off balance enough that he had to rock to his feet to catch himself. Then, he simply refused to let the blonde sit down, dragging him to the kitchen with a menacing chirp.

Finn acquiesced, seemingly more out of apathy than anything else.

Aerrow's eyes widened in amazement and he elbowed Piper, who was in the middle of scolding a cringing Stork.

"Hey…I think I have an idea."

OOO

Word Count: 380

I got yelled at for being too depressing. So here's some lightheartedness, I suppose.

Yeah. For this fic, this is the most lighthearted it will get. Its not going to be a happy ride, believe me.

However, I already have an idea for how it will end.


	4. A Thing Of Pride

**A Thing Of Pride**

He was sitting alone in his room when the swish of his door opening made him jump. There were light, hesitant footsteps, then a hand on his shoulder.

"Finn," Piper said, "dinner is nearly ready. Are you…hungry?"

He shook his head, letting his chin sink back onto his chest.

She sighed. She left.

The almost-silence pervaded the ship. There were the normal noises that he'd always taken for granted: the rumble of the engines as they idled the evening away. The hum of energy circuits supplying power and life support. There was even a weird, regular whooshing noise that he had yet to define.

But it was still silent, in a way.

There was little in the way of easy conversation anymore. In the few weeks since…the incident…everyone had gotten more introspective.

Or perhaps it had always been this way. Junko had been a part of much of the banter that went on during the day…

Finn steered his mind away from that thought. There was too much pain there.

He reached out with one hand and felt around until he found the edge of his desk. On it, he knew, was a pile of metal and bolts, strings and screws, half put together.

Or half torn apart, depending on how you looked at it.

He felt around some more until his hand contacted a screwdriver. Then a wrench.

Going by touch, he continued the long, laborious project of dismantling the accursed machine, one nut at a time. Each bit of metal he pulled free, each scrap of hated metal and traitorous plating removed somehow vindicated him. It set him apart from what he'd done…or rather, what he'd failed to do.

It was strange how a thing of pride could turn into a fouled anchor. A stone tied 'round his neck. How fast did an object of dignity turn into the lowest of garbage…

There was still blood on it.

Finn shuddered, brushing his fingers together to banish the clingy, flaking residue. His empty stomach roiled threateningly.

If he let himself think about it too much, he could still smell the coppery scent of blood splashing his face. If he didn't guard his thoughts, the acrid smell of burning flesh lingered in the memory of the metal.

That night was never far from his thoughts.

Somewhere in the ship, there was a high pitched hiss as a pipe leaked.

Finn scratched at the knurled skin of his cheek. The pain of the newly healing skin helped to force his mind away from raw memories.

Metal squeaked in protest beneath his hands, striving to remain in place just as he fought to move it.

Another bolt fell to the desk, resounding with a dull clang. Hearing the sound gave him a moment of satisfaction, but it was short lived. What was the point in a fleeting moment of contentment in the face of…of…

He bit his lip and felt for another screw.

OOO

Word Count: 491

This didn't quite turn out how I planned. Not too bad, though.

More depression to follow.

Wow…that makes you really want to read this, doesn't it?


	5. You Can't Hide Forever

**You Can't Hide Forever**

She didn't expect to see him standing there as she rounded the corner on her way to the hangar. He stood in the hallway outside the hanger. His hand gripped the doorframe with white knuckles and his head was cocked slightly to the side, as though he was sampling the familiar scents of oil and exhaust that wafted in on the breeze. The wind from outside played with his hair, batting it this way and that across the scarf that covered his eyes.

She paused for a moment. His hair was messy. Disheveled in the true sense, rather than the intentional tousled look he used to spend hours in the bathroom trying to achieve. It was long now. Unkempt.

Much like Finn, himself.

He straightened, stiff, as he heard her footsteps. "Who's there?" he demanded.

"It's me," Piper replied. She stepped closer to him and reached out a hand to his shoulder. Noticing the tenseness of his frame, she stopped her hand short, letting it fall back to her side with a dull slap. "…what's up?"

He shrugged and turned from the door. "Nothin'." He mumbled. He left one hand against the wall.

There was an awkward silence. Piper shifted uncomfortably. "Well…I was just going to check up on the skimmers…they haven't been oiled lately and…uh…" she trailed off.

A flash of pain passed over his features and he looked away. "Yeah." He murmured, his voice hoarse.

"So…"

"Yeah?"

"So you…want to help…? Or something…?"

He looked surprised for a moment, then frowned. The skin beneath the bandage puckered and pulled at the movement. "I don't know if you've noticed," he replied with a hint of his normal humor, "But I'm not exactly too great with that hand-eye co-ordination stuff anymore."

"Oh…I'm sorry. That was a stupid question."

He snorted.

"Still…you could come keep me company or something?" she tried again. Why she was going out of her way to keep him company?

_Well_, she reasoned, _I haven't actually seen him voluntarily come out of his room in days_.

He lapsed into quiet again and she couldn't tell whether he was actually considering it or thinking up a suitably biting remark.

Finally, he sighed. "No."

"No?"

Shaking his head, he turned away from her.

Piper had to try one more time. "Wait-"

He sighed and raked a hand through his hair. "What, Piper? What do you want?"

"I…just…"

"I'm going to my room."

She growled in frustration. "You can't hide forever, you know."

He didn't answer. He just kept walking. She caught up with him and grabbed his arm.

"You need to-"

"Leave it alone, Piper." He snapped, shaking her off of him, roughly.

This time, when he started walking again, she let him go.

He reached the corner. Just as he would have turned and disappeared from sight, he stopped. "Hey…Piper?"

"Yes?"

"Can you…do me a favor…?"

"What is it?"

"Would you…" he paused, running his hand through his hair. "I…nevermind."

And then, he was gone.

OOO

Word Count: 497

Yay! I updated!

Look for more updates to my fics soon, I hope. I was chained to my 360 playing Tales of Vesperia, so that's one of the multitude of reasons why I've been ghostly lately.

Review! Tell me what you think!


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